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I've been thinking a lot about work. The nature of work, the sacrifices and tradeoffs. I refuse to be defined by my job, and perhaps that's been my professional downfall. I just think that I am so much more than simply That Broker or That Writer or more generically, That Worker.
Indeed, That Broker's just a very small part of who I am in my entirety, and maybe that's the issue. It's my flippin' job, not ME. I'm just not one of those people who eats, sleeps, breathes, dreams, and lives real estate. Trust me, I tried that for about two years, and I began to really hate the woman that little experiment was turning me into. Underweight, overworked, physically weak, angry as hell, and with irritated skin from the constant stress. Not a pretty picture, on any level. So I stopped "brokering," and attempted to find a middle ground. The plan was to trade some of the freedoms and pains of being a broker for the stability and drudgery of a more office-based job--one that still drew on my real estate skills and knowledge.
This work scenario reminded me of how much a company gets to tell its workers, on some level, who they are for those hours they are there on the job each day, and to some extent, who they are outside of the job. I mean, Eliot Spitzer clearly liked sex with hookers in his spare time, but the State of New York begged to differ. Eliot aside, those hours add up to years of our lives, yet outside of independent wealth or abject poverty, what choices do we have? Of course, one could start one's own company and set the tone, culture, but that's a whole different discussion. . .one I haven't the energy for at the moment.
So since I'm feeling contemplative but perhaps a bit de-motivated, it's not a bad idea to reflect back on the pros and cons of my broker life.
As a broker, the pros were:
1. Almost complete control over my schedule. If I didn't want to show a place before, say 10 a.m., I didn't have to. Hitting the gym at 3 p.m. in the afternoon? Check. A long lunch every now and then without fear of retribution? Doable.
2. Being able to run around town during the work day and feel a part of things, rather than sitting on my ass in an office, feeling cut off from life until the clock rolled to the quitting hour. Office work really drained me in ways I never expected--the above chief among them.
3. My firm was very liberal on dress code. I got to wear pretty much whatever I could get by with. Of course, some firms have a very corporate dress code, but not mine.
4. The feeling that I could be more of myself on the job. Over the years, I met so many brokers from so many different areas of life. As a broker, you kinda feel like you can be who you are, yet still work in a professional capacity. Most brokers I know had or have thriving careers in other fields. They're not one-dimensional, in other words.
5. Want a long vacation? Just get your business covered and no one can tell you no. I never had to ask permission to go away on a trip, put in for vacay time...none of that nonsense. I simply made sure my listings and clients were being taken care of, usually by a trustworthy colleague, and went. (Cue fond memories of a week on the West Coast during August one summer). . .
The cons, however, were many:
1. People expect you to work every day and be constantly available, even when "off" duty. In fact, Off Duty status for brokers doesn't seem to exist in most people's minds. Bosses would have to hold their tongues if you went away for a week or three, but they'd bitch and moan, cajole and threaten if you consistently took off even one day a week. Or even appeared to do so.
2. Other brokers. Sure, I met some cool ones along the way, but I also met many annoying, boundary-less, mouth-breathing, clueless jerks. And pushy? I can talk to you about PUSHY. And about obnoxious, too. Ugh!!!
3. Unstable income and overall economic instability. Those long vacations weren't so doable when my rent from one month to the next was constantly in question. And it often was.
4. The running around...in general I enjoyed the active part of the job, but sometimes people would run you around town and simply waste your time. That used to piss me off...the inordinate amount of wasted time. I'd do what I could to minimize it, but often in vain.
5. People thinking you're rich. . .when you're not.
6. Taxes.
7. There are NO easy deals and you practically bleed for every paycheck. This is something I didn't want to believe initially, but I was proven wrong time and again.
8. Annoying clients. And their kids. And dogs. And. . .
9. My favorite: getting screwed over. Happened weekly. Sometimes daily. You really see people at their best and worst moments when it comes to real estate transactions.
So clearly, a mixed bag. In all honesty, I might still be pursuing the full-time broker avenue if I felt it could ultimately pay off. For whatever reason, it didn't for me. So I went the "day job" route and eventually got canned--that and other negatives were perhaps signs that I'm really not cut out to work for someone, at least not in a traditional office setting. The entrepreneurial aspects of being a broker were enjoyable and suited me in many ways, but the instability rattled me. The drudgery, politics, and controlling nature of office life were soul-sucking, but that steady, almost healthy paycheck was very nice indeed.
What to make of all of this? Now that I'm back to square numero uno, trying to put it all together and am finally able to think of it all objectively, I do find it oddly freeing.
Well, I spoke too soon, folks. Seems I've been put out on a forced sabbatical. That's my PR/election year spin way of saying I got canned! Man, here I was thinking I was working for people who were more direct, more honest, and less sneaky. Just because they seemed nicer on the surface doesn't mean it's true in all arenas or that they can own up to miscalculations and market downturns. Silly me for believing what I wanted to believe.
Basically I was downsized out of the job. Up until that moment/meeting, they'd never once give me any indicator that my performance and attitude were anything less than great. Since this wasn't a commission based job (not entirely, at least), the recent spate of (over) hiring they did must have been hitting them harder in the pocketbook than they'd anticipated. Recent market downturn and all of that. The proverbial elephant in the room.
Of course, they couldn't/wouldn't own up to this. Not one iota. They attacked my performance (for nit-picky and easily fixable mistakes that they had no intention of allowing me to correct). They also said that it seemed a matter of "fit." As in "you don't fit with this company." That was news to me and all of my co-workers, who were quite shocked (not just pretend shock--it was real) at the firing and are now understandably nervous about their own jobs.
I understand that the bosses didn't want to ring the bell of "downsizing," but instead, their handling of the situation kicked up another kind of fear/morale dip in their staff. Not that I'm around for the fallout--obviously. But my sources are well-placed, of course.
Now for the first time in my working life, I'm drawing unemployment. (Something working only on commission never allowed me to do. So this is actually pretty cool in its own twisted way).
Instead of jumping into the first job opp that comes my way, I'm taking my time to regroup and strategize. Oh, and yes, to travel and just enjoy life for a spell. Luckily my overhead is low by NYC standards, so I won't go under financially (fingers crossed and Lord willing!)
Am I thinking of finally kicking real estate to the curb? (At least professionally, because I'd prefer to have a real, not cardboard, roof over my head)? Yes, I actually am seriously considering leaving this biz. I'd keep my license and prob do a few small deals on the side, but I don't know if I can handle having my bread buttered with such a sharp and volatile knife ever again.
Whew, it's been a busy month. I've been occupied with stimulating things like closet cleanings, a spring cold, and oh, yes, work in a slightly different sector of the industry.
So far it seems I've made the right move, but it has taken a bit of getting used to.
Getting used to not getting yelled at and reprimanded day after day.
Getting used to not having to approach my work from a defensive stance.
Getting used to leaders who are more direct about any projects and tasks, instead of expecting their team to read their minds.
Yes, an overall positive move, but one that I still can't quite believe is real. Being used to the stereotypical jerks in this business, I'm always pleasantly surprised when I meet real estate types who flout that cliche. They do exist. Amazing.
Of course, being real estate and being New York City, even the best run firms often do business with firms and agents who are sketchy. That always provides plenty of drama no matter how pleasant one's own office environment might be. Don't worry, I'll continue taking notes.
Oh, and I'm still waiting for a commission check from a long-closed deal. If it doesn't materialize this week, I'll have some choice words for the person in charge of doling out checks. Bank on that.
Dear Boss,
Yes, I understand now that I fucked up. You have made it incredibly clear to me. For this I thank you. At least you are being direct, and not a passive aggressive shit. You're miles ahead of most people in that regard.
Where we need to work is the part where you keep reiterating what I did wrong and how disappointed you are in me.
Boss: You air your concerns and take me to task. You reprimand. You express your emotional distress.
Me: I apologize and let you know what was going on in my mind that led to the mistake/miscalculation. I emphasize that it won't happen again.
Boss: "Yes, but. . ." [Wherein you repeat everything you said the first time.]
Me: I again reiterate that I very much regret the mistake, and again reassure you that it won't happen again. At this point, I drop any attempt at explaining myself, lest it come across as defensive (which it might have already, but it's too late now).
Boss: "Well, I just want you to understand that. . ." [Wherein you, the Boss, continues repeating the grievances.]
Me: [Silence, but nodding. Inside my mind, I'm losing my patience and looking for a way out of this tedious conversation]. Using all of my willpower not to shout at you, "Yes, I GET it!!! I fucking get it!!! I screwed up, you're upset. Hell, I'm upset. Do you think I enjoy making mistakes? Do you think I relish being reprimanded? But we've repaired the damage and I can't keep groveling and reassuring you any longer. At this point, you have to leggo your ego and attempt to trust that I'll make things right and not make the same mistake again. I can't let go of it for you! For fuck's sake!!!!"
Boss: [Embarrassed at having gotten so emotional and looking for a way to look tough again]: Okay, well I'm glad we got this cleared up. Get me the Sullivan File ready by the end of the day.
Me: Of course. I'm glad we talked this over. Thank you.
Please be advised that all records of this incident will be kept in your Personal/Personnel File, Boss. You know, that file in my mind that I keep...the one that helps me decide when I'm done with you and when you must be fired/systematically removed from my life.
Sincerely,
Your Loyal Employee
I resolve to turn over the proverbial new leaf, and that from here on out, I'll be the most perfect little worker bee possible. Or at least try. I'll drop the attitude, or do a better job of keeping it to myself. I'll practice my poker face and keep my snide comments to myself, or on this blog only. And while we're on cliches, I won't say anything at all unless it's something nice. Or something like that.
Can you tell that sometimes I really hate work and find it hard to just roll with the politics, policies, and the petty bullshit? But like most people who lack independent wealth, I need the money. Not so much so that I can "consume more," but in order to survive in the now and build towards future goals.
Trust me, my life isn't very lavish, or even very adventurous. I don't blow my money on shoes and designer clothing like a lot of young people I know. Most of my shirts cost under $20, for example. I enjoy dining out, but I mainly cook at home and rarely go to pricey restaurants when dining out. Expensive entertainment is a rare luxury in my world, which is fine by me. Books and DVDs or dinner parties with friends are more than enough to keep me happy and entertained. On the travel front, I honestly can't remember the last time I had a proper vacation or a fun road trip, not just a blessedly long weekend or a few days off to take care of personal business.
And guess what? Even those days off my employers begrudged me. They made sure to treat me to frequent phone calls and emails. One employer, upon my announcing my resignation, wanted to keep me well beyond the standard "two weeks' notice" period. And the next employer in line wanted an earlier start date. Had I not stood up for myself, I'd have had my last day at Job A on a Friday, and my first day at Job B the following Monday.
What's wrong with that, some of you might ask? A helluva lot, in my humble opinion. I am not so bound to money and routine that not having "someplace to go" every day for a couple of weeks would rock my world. It'd be a welcome relief, frankly. A person needs time off to decompress, re-organize, and sometimes to simply BE. Yes, our employers need people who can be counted on, but people with good track records should be given the benefit of the doubt. We should not have to apologize for this or explain it away.
Having a job sort of precludes having a life, it sometimes seems.
And yes, I do find myself asking, "Is that all there is to life?"
It can't be. I can't accept that. Thank goodness I at least live in a fun and interesting city.
And yet. . .the times when I had actual time to go to farflung places and do things, I didn't because, well, frankly the money was lacking. The eternal conundrum: plenty of time, but not enough money, or enough money, but no time.
Now that I make okay money but am still somewhat pressed for time due to seniority issues at work, my only hope is to really save money, and to take trips in between jobs. As for the saying, "It's easier to find a job when you have a job," well, I do believe that to some degree. But I also believe that I can do consulting in between gigs so that I on paper, I'm continuously employed.
Oh, and starting my own business isn't really an option at this point. I see most people who have their own businesses working MORE...my goal should be clear by this point. . .to work LESS but not be broke. Hell, I'd work 20 hours per week if I could get by with it and still make comparable money. Note to self: research this possibility.
First impressions matter. There's no doubt about that. But what if your first impression turns out to be wrong? If you're on a date, it could result in a tedious evening and funny/mortifying stories to tell your friends when you get home. Or, on the extreme side, it could end with assault or worse. The nice guy or girl turns out to be a dangerous psycho. Get out alive while you can!
So what happens when that apparently kind, personable, and seemingly fair potential boss becomes your real boss and turns out to be the opposite of who you thought he or she was? At least after a bad date, you don't necessarily have to wake up next to that person, much less ever see them again.
But an unhinged boss is a person you must deal with at least five days a week. Seeing them first thing in the morning is almost as bad as waking up next to them. And if you happen to wake up next to your unhinged boss some morning, then you have problems that are well beyond the scope of this blog.
I once considered myself a good judge of character--a person with fairly solid instincts. Like most people, I've been duped a couple of times. In the work realm, I've been mostly right but sometimes wrong about bosses. For every wrong, there was indeed hell to pay.
This one boss seemed perfectly fine. Balanced, even. I'd go so far as to say that I honestly thought this person was nice and looked forward to working at that company.
Time soon told a different tale. This person had a chaotic, frantic quality sometimes seen in mental hospitals. The whole office was run in fear and anticipation of the next meltdown. We could actually get real work done when the boss wasn't around, as opposed to when the boss was there, constantly whining and interrupting. Oh, and the ethics of the honcho were questionable to say the least.
That's all bad enough (and there was much, much more, a lot of which I've blocked out). But what was worse was the way this all made me doubt myself. (Co-workers privately confessed to feeling the same way). We all thought that we must be crazy if we hadn't somehow picked up on this nuttiness from the get-go. That's the danger "getting to know" someone on an interview.
Those masochistic veterans who'd been around for years took it all in stride, as if it were somehow normal. Watching us new people react must have been entertaining and kinda sad for them.
That's the thing about crazy people. They draw you in, and soon you're questioning your own sanity and ability to judge character. Since that work experience, I've become much more skeptical about people in general, particularly those I might one day be required to work with--or more importantly, work for. In my next job, mark my words, I will know, dammit-- via the grapevine or other inside information whether-- or not there are nutty people in the office.
And yes, I know this all goes both ways. We've all worked with or known someone who has worked with a crazy co-worker. It must suck to be the supervisor in a situation like that. But at least in that scenario the person in charge can exert their power, and if not fire, then at least make life difficult for the nutty employee.
None of this helps, of course, when the boss is the nutjob who is convinced that everyone else has some sort of a problem.
Like a friend of mine used to say--"Look at the situation and ask yourself what's the common denominator. If it's you, then maybe you've got to change."
Nutty bosses rarely venture to query themselves in this way, and if they do, I'd bet money that they don't see themselves as problematic.
Have been under the weather for the past few days, and as real estate in the city sometimes makes me sick, I've avoided thinking about it as much as possible to avoid feeling worse. Will be back later this week to post on work woes and other topics, including the reality of moving in together too soon and the hassle and hells of crazy roommates. Stay tuned.
